Dearest Lucas and Iris,
I am sorry. This is a letter of apology to you. It’s nothing sinister or worrying but something I feel a lot of Mum guilt over and I’m truly sorry for.
The point of this letter is to say sorry I’m not always there. Sometimes I have to leave the house and other times I am home but not completely “there”.
On Friday I had my first all day job since December. Being a freelance photographer I leave the house a lot for shoots or leave you with Daddy while I photograph a child on my pop up studio. I thought you’d miss me most Iris, I mean I am the one with the breasts of milk. Apparently this was incorrect and actually it was you Lucas that missed me the most. Asking for me hourly, asking when I was coming home from work, saying things like “Mummy home now” and “Mummy, no work”.
This surprised me a lot coming from a complete Daddy’s boy. I think because Iris is so Mummified due to breastfeeding and Lucas being a complete socialite its hard to imagine him missing me and it’s easy forget how much of a close bond we have and how much of a sarcastic personality we share; We are totally similar Lucas.
It’s easy to apologise for the times I’m out making money for us and working hard but the part of my job that’s easily forgotten is the endless hours of editing, writing, publishing and emailing I do on a daily basis. I am technically on maternity leave but am spending it self-employed trying to make it so I don’t have to leave the house two – three times a week to go to work.
My biggest apology is for days like yesterday. I spent the day playing with you with a laptop close by importing, watching and editing a wedding video. When I’d put Iris down to nap and Lucas, you’d say “Mummy, play” and I just needed that hour of nap time to sync a dance move to the speed of the song. It’s those moments I’m sorry for. Being a Work-from-home Mum means I don’t just go to work 9-5 and come home and switch off.
I have to work triple the hours to make sure I’m putting enough work in to get enough back out. It’s hard when a lot of people don’t understand that actually being on my phone or Macbook or having my camera out AGAIN, taking pictures AGAIN, is actually for my job and without these things and the hard work and constant attachment to these objects I don’t get things done, I don’t get work finished and that means I wont get jobs, opportunities or paid.
I feel this sinking feeling when someone asks you, Lucas “what’s Mummy up to” or “where’s Mummy?” and you reply with “WORK”. My promise to you both is, that those days you feel sad because Mummy has to do some work that the next day you wont feel like it and you’ll always have my undivided attention. That we’ll go and have hot chocolate, feed the ducks, eat pizza, watch a Disney film or just simply play trains.
The clique thing is that I truly am doing this for you both. Without me working we could scrimp by each month but the luxuries, day trips, pizza and hot chocolate dates would have to stop. You wouldn’t have new clothes or toys when you needed it as easily as now and a holiday wouldn’t be possible. Daddy works super hard, but he doesn’t get paid enough to mean I don’t have to work.
I’m also setting an example to you. Follow your dreams. I always wanted to be a work-from-home Mum. Writing, blogging, social media bits and bobs, designing and most importantly taking photos or videoing is an absolute dream to be my job and to be doing that dream is incredible.
So basically, Iris and Lucas, I am sorry. I am sorry for any times you felt sad because you felt I didn’t want to play. I really did want to play and I felt sad I couldn’t. The times you wanted a cuddle when you fell over but I was out of the house.
I love you both more than anything and I will always do whats best for you both, our family and financially.
I love you forever and always,